I’m going to review 5 movies available on instant streaming on Netflix in 5 words or less. I am forced to watch an obscene amount of children’s movies. At a certain point, each and every one of these movies becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard. I mean to save my fellow mothers and cinema lovers precious moments of their lives and brain cells. After my review, I will put an overall rating in parentheses on a scale from 1-5.
The rating system is as follows:
1. I would rather shove q-tips in my ears and glue my eyes shut than be forced to endure this for another second.
2. I can barely stand the glimpses of this I catch when I walk through the living room.
3. Uuuuuuug… I can probably stand sitting on the couch playing Bubble Shooter while this movie plays in the background. If I have to.
4. Eh, it’s alright… The first 40 times you watch it.
Gnomeo and Juliet: Property damage isn’t laughing matter. (3)
Astro Boy: Robot kid has horrible father. (1)
Tangled: Flynn Ryder = Nathan Fillion. (5)
Thumbelina: The 80’s hair is unforgivable. (2)
Moonbeam Bear and His Friends: More like “Boring Bear.” Heh. (1)
Alright, alright… I admit these aren’t complete sentences at all. But you get the idea. Seriously guys, never ever make the mistake of letting your kids watch a “1.” They will instantly fall in love with it and you will be forced to watch it approximately 51,000 times. And your kids will definitely not appreciate the snarky yet hilarious remarks you feel compelled to throw in every time you watch it, either.