The Carpet Lawn

The first signs of spring are starting to appear. The weather is getting warmer, that fresh smell of sunshine is beginning to touch the air, bugs are starting to appear in my shower and freak me out. All around my neighborhood flowers are getting ready to bloom and lawns are thinking about getting green (possibly… It’s really hard to say what lawns are thinking, they’re so enigmatic).

For some reason the spring thaw has me contemplating a favorite yet rather bizarre subject: The guy with a carpet for a lawn.

This contemplation may be a bit baffling to you. If it isn’t, you’re from Worland. For those of you not lucky enough to be from the Land of the Wor, I shall explain. There is a gentleman in our fair village that has made the decision to forgo grass for carpet. Yes, he really has. His lawn is a carpet. Or rather, a compilation of many carpets.


For those curious souls who want to see a carpet lawn for themselves, here it is! I seem to remember the carpet lawn of my childhood as being much more colorful, but perhaps I embellished it a bit with my kid brain.

How does this man mark spring and the summer to come? Does he step out of his front door, inhale the beginnings of the mildew as it’s thawing, and think, “Oh yes! Spring is in the air!”? Does he turn to his best gal and say, “Almost time to take our shoes off and squish around in the carpet. There is nothing, NOTHING, like the feel of damp carpet between your toes on a lovely sunshine-y day, don’t you agree?”? It just isn’t summer until you see that first lady bug making its way across the Berber.

Is it obvious that I’ve spent some time thinking about the carpet lawn? Definitely not a lot, like, a totally normal amount of time. I for sure haven’t driven by it every chance I get just to gaze in wonder. The point is, I have so many questions, so much I would love to say if I ever got the opportunity to speak with this self-made landscaper of carpet.

Here the short list of questions I would ask if ever given the opportunity to interview this intriguing character:

1. How did you arrive at the decision to put down carpet?
2. Why not rocks? Or even just dirt?
3. What was it about carpeting your front yard that first drew you to the idea?
4. What type of carpet is best suited to an outdoor space?
5. Does it need to be vacuumed? Or scotch guarded?
6. Did you have to put down those spikey rulers to make it stay or did it just lay there on its own?
7. Do you change the carpet when it gets worn out?
8. Did you have to pay for it, and if so, at what point does it become too expensive to continue carpeting?
8. Did you ever consider hardwood or laminate? They have some really nice linoleum now that looks like tile!

God, I’d love to crawl inside that man’s brain, just for a minute. I’d probably crawl back out looking like I’d just seen the Ark of the Covenant, but it might be worth it just to know why. Why?!? I would no longer have a face, but I would know how was this idea was born. I would know what manner of dark-dwelling, unnatural bugs live under there and how one would fight them.

Yes, spring. Beautiful spring. Harbinger of toxic smells rising from a man’s carpet lawn. It’s the small things such as this that make us truly glad to be alive.

P.S. I hope you don’t think I’m being mean in writing about this fascinating subject. I am writing from a place of sincere affection and interest in a man and subject not oft (if ever) considered (by anyone but me, that is). You just don’t see that kind of stuff these days and it is to be treasured.

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