Robotic Butts: Beware Humanity

I’m worried about robots. They could take over our planet at any minute, and that is just a fact. What? Yes, I’ve seen Terminator about 5000 times, hasn’t everybody?

This worry is totally valid, because it has been firmly embedded in my brain since I was probably about 10 or 11 when I saw Terminator (source of all wisdom) for the very first time. Frankly, and I’m ashamed to admit this, I haven’t really thought too much about my robo-fear (since the last time I saw Terminator: Salvation anyway) lately. However, it was recently sparked anew by a silly little article we read during the “Weird News” segment of our podcast (The Firnecast, subscribe on Itunes or listen at! This isn’t shameless self promotion, I really am somewhat ashamed by it). The article was about a seemingly innocent and hilarious “buttocks humanoid robot” created by Japanese scientists. We all poked fun at it and had ourselves a good chuckle.

Since that fateful podcast, I have had some time to think and have now come to the conclusion that this cybernetic tush is no laughing matter. It is actually the first step in creating an entire fake person. First it’s the backside, (because of course if you’re building an android you start with the butt, that’s just good science) then a thigh, then a kneecap, then a calf, then a foot, which the robot will then use to crush all of humanity underneath.

I mean to tell you that robobutts are a harbinger of the merciless mechanical killing machines that will surely be bred from this technology.

You can’t tell me that this thing doesn’t look deadly.

I’m sure it seems like a great idea inventing these pieces and parts of people that are super realistic… Now proctologists can hone their craft before they ever set hands on a human rear! We can use these realistic fannies to learn how to read human emotions without ever looking at a face! But (no pun intended) what of the consequences? By the time you realize the buttocks have become self-aware, it’s already too late. According to Terminator (source of all wisdom) they will get smart and see us as a threat, then it’s extermination time. As Kyle Reese once said, “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.” Powerful and important words.

Right now, as we sit safely and comfortably in our little homes, these bionic behinds are just a big joke.

It’s reeeeeeal funny. Until you’re walking down the street one day, 10 years from now, and a disembodied set of peach colored fannies attacks your legs like a rabid poodle!!! We can laugh about it now, but when you’re laying on the sidewalk screaming, “No, no, no!!!” while staring down the business end of a rubber sphincter, It won’t be nearly so funny.

Truthfully, I’m not certain how a pair of buttocks would kill you. Not that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, mind you, but I feel like the buttocks would have to smother you. That seems like the simplest way. Unless they were going to maybe squeeze your throat between their cheeks or jump up and down on your face? Either way, not a pleasant way to go. Nobody wants to have “death by arse” written in their obituary. Well, I guess your family would have to be pretty insensitive to write that in your obit, but you know what I mean.

Listen, everybody thought Kyle Reese was crazy when he came from the future to save Sarah Connor. He tried to warn them, they thought he was weird (but how could you be weird when you’re that damn handsome???), and look what happened. First it’s rubber butts, then straight on to the graveyard for all of humanity.

According to James Cameron, we only have about 17 years left before the robots take over, one cheek at a time. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sitting here on my real, human butt waiting for it to happen. No, I’m going to use my butt to stand next to the ones I love at a bbq and enjoy this life before it’s too late!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful week and may the rubber butts of your life be ever docile.

Ep. 2 Gettin’ Explicit with Allen Firnekas

Episode 2: Our guest is Allen Firnekas, local man of mystery and spawn-er of your illustrious hosts.  Topics include true UFO stories that might make you wet your pants, a rubber butt update, hypnotism gone awry, and face punching 10 year olds… We hope you enjoy!

Firnecast 01 with Todd Misomelius

This week’s episode is the very first itty bitty baby Firnecast!  Our guest is town man/local hero Todd Misomelius.  Topics include pervy Japanese vending machines, mean dance chaperones, sensual buffalo dancing, and God’s behind.  Enjoy!  Please!

P.S. Our amazing intro/outro music is by Hillbilly Herald.  They were so kind as to give us their permission to use it and we are eternally grateful.  Check them out and download on Itunes!