Ep. 16 Vagina Dentata

On this week’s episode we talk ankles, improv, and giant trucker butts.  We will forever ruin a beautiful song for you, stand up for women’s topless rights, and interview famed grumpy traveler Kyle Weaver for another addition of “Places to Avoid.” We’ll make you giggle if you let us, so do that!!!


Dishwasher Roulette

I’m not exactly what you would call the ideal stay at home Mom.

The taking good care of my kids part, I have that down, but the rest of it is iffy at best.

To be honest, I can barely keep up with the stuff I have to do during the day… It takes about double the time it should to do everything because of the constant interruptions of, “Mo-oooom, can you get me _____?” or “Mo-oooom, Daisy’s messing with my stuff!!!” or “Mo-oooom, Sunny’s being mean to me!!!”.  By the time I actually do manage to complete one of my projects around here, I turn around and it has been very carefully and precisely demolished so that it’s as if I did nothing at all. My kids (with the help of their six foot tall accomplice), have destroying my house down to an exact science… A system so organized and efficient that NASA should be studying it.

I’ve been staying at home for a little over four years now, and for some reason have yet to master the ins and outs of maintaining the cleanliness of my household. Instead, it is in a constant flux between total chaos and perfect tidiness. To my credit, the tidiness is holding steady at a 60% majority most of the time, and the chaos isn’t dirty, just chaos-y… That should count for something, right?  (As a side note, why do I always have unexpected visitors when my house is in its chaos phase? Why??? It is usually clean!  Are all people built with filth sensors that allow them to tell when a lady least wants them to drop in???)

Anyway, though I’ve never really figured out the whole “domestic engineering” thing, I have managed to create a system in which it seems like I’m doing it right… Yes indeed, I have somehow managed to convince my husband that I actually know what I’m doing around here! 

These are just a few of my handy little hints:

One of my little tricks is something I like to call Dishwasher Roulette.  Dishwasher Roulette is a game in which you put something that didn’t get quite clean in the dishwasher away anyway.  You are, in effect, playing the odds that you won’t be the one who ends up getting the “bullet” of stuck on egg or raisin bran that didn’t come off in the wash.  Oh, don’t judge me! It’s clean dirt (as my very own mother used to say)! This game also serves the purpose of delaying the time in which you actually have to wash the dish, thereby allowing you to have a cupboard of “clean” dishes and sparkly clean counter top!

No matter what time of day your husband happens to come home from work, always, and I mean ALWAYS be standing up.  When that man walks through the door, you better never be sitting down. In the unlikely event that you are, in fact, sitting down (this is just a crazy hypothetical, because in real life your children will never actually allow your butt to remain on a surface for more than three seconds before they need something), be sure to sit somewhere near a window so you can see him drive up.  This gives you plenty of time to rush around looking busy as hell when he walks in the door. 

Make sure to tell the man in your life how incredibly stressed out you are all the time.  Oh, I know, he doesn’t really like hearing it, but he needs to understand what a damn cakewalk going to work is in comparison to what you’re doing everyday. I would freaking kill for the chance to wander around talking to adults and getting something accomplished during the day!!! I suggest letting your hair actually literally stand on end sometimes so as to give him a visual representation of your mental state.

When your children have reached a pinnacle of grouchiness for the day, invent a reason to go on an emergency grocery store run.  This will give your husband a little taste of what your life as a stay at home Mom is like, and also give you a few minutes of blessed peace.  Also, he will be amazed by the fact that you were actually able to get the bathroom cleaned and not focus on the fact that the living room is covered in tiny pairs of underpants, broken crayons, and breakfast dishes.

Listen, I don’t always have time to fold laundry.  In fact, I rarely have time to fold laundry.  Instead of actually keeping up with this menial task (which, incidentally, I completely DESPISE!!!), I just make sure there is always clean underwear in the drawers, a couple of outfits, and a lovely heaping laundry basket full of clean clothes.  That’s right, your favorite pair of socks may not be in your drawer where it belongs, but it is clean and waiting for you at the bottom of the clean clothes basket.  Just a little gumption, a little elbow grease, and a lot of luck, and you’ll have that pair of socks on your feet in no time!!!

Well my friends, I hope you’ve enjoyed the blog this week, and I truly apologize for the delay!!!

Have a wonderful week, and may the socks of joy always be perched at the very top of your laundry pile of life!!!

P.S. Please leave me comments, I love them so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.P.S. Preview of next week: Special Anniversary Edition!!!