All posts by momofcomedy

Oh, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself! I have a couple of super adorable amazing kids, a super adorable amazing husband, and a super awesome life! I also love the words super, adorable, and amazing! I'm a huge comedy nerd, and I've even tried stand up comedy... I love listening to podcasts, reading, and all kinds of other stuff. The more I write about myself, the less interesting I seem, so, I'm done now, and the rest... IS A MYSTERY.

White Lightening (aka my STUPID dog)

My dog is not smart.

She escapes all the time.  Like ALL the time.  Aided, of course, by my two children and their careless disregard for my constant screams of “shut the door!!!” and their random decisions to open the window so she can jump out… Why kids, why???

She won’t come when I call her.  It’s like she thinks that I’m screaming “Sugar!!!” because I really like sweet stuff.  That dog will let me get just close enough to her that I think I really have her and then she zooms off as fast as her stupid legs will carry her. I wish I could describe how frustrating it is, but there are no words… Well, there are words, but my Mommy reads this blog and I don’t think she would appreciate me typing them all out for you.

I never imagined that I would be the type of woman that would want to harm an animal.  But now, I daydream about shocking the ever living hell out of my dog with a training collar when she runs away.  Yes, I said it!!! I want that dog to pay for making me chase her around the neighborhood like a crazy person all the time!!!  Oh, you can judge me now, but I promise you would feel EXACTLY the same if you had to deal with a runaway pitbull four times in one day… It will turn you into a monster, into someone you don’t recognize.

Yes, that dog actually got out four times the other day. FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  During each episode, I got to chase her around the neighborhood for 20 minutes, almost caught her about 10 times, had her literally in my grasp only to have her slip away, and had my kids running around all over the place trying to “help” me while simultaneously driving her farther away.  And it was 98 degrees outside… The temperature, not the band, unfortunately.  Even though they suck, I would have much rather listened to their overly sincere mushy caterwauling than been chasing that STUPID dog all over the place.

Also, just to put a cherry on top of this sundae of embarrassment, you must understand how truly ridiculous I look when I “run.”  I am panting, sweating, and kind of jog-walking (the only thing remotely close to running that I can manage)… Just picture my chubby little legs chugging along, propelling my sweating little self slowly forward…I figure I look a bit like a human storm cloud because I am soooo grumpy.

When Sugar decided to jet out the front door for her fourth neighborhood adventure of the day, she decided to venture into the open gate of the directly across the way neighbor, just to mix it up a little bid.  Inside she found a little girl, who was over visiting her Gramma.  She was about ten or so she made quite a show of being frightened by the dog as it zipped by.  “Don’t worry,” I panted as I chugged by, “she’s just a puppy. She won’t hurt you.” The little girl just stared at me, standing there with her arms protecting her body, perched on one leg like a flamingo.

You would think I would have finally had Sugar trapped in that yard, but alas, she darted between my legs and went right back out of the gate to make lap two of her neighborhood victory tour.  This time, she just made a short trip up the street and right back into the same gate, once again “terrifying” the child within…  But this time, the girl’s brother came into the backyard to observe.  He stood there watching, barely able to contain his glee.

As I stomped out of the yard after my STUPID dog yet again, the mother of the frightened/amused children poked her head out of the door.  I apologized for my ill-mannered pet as I went by, explaining that she won’t listen and is just a puppy, and the woman, such an understanding soul, said testily, “Well, I’m just worried about my daughter. She’s afraid of  big animals.”

I silently rolled my eyes as my 35 lb “big animal” went streaking by me again, looking as happy as it is possible for any of God’s creatures to ever look. 

I ask you, if you were the mother of a child frightened of a vicious wild dog (aka “big animal”) roaming the neighborhood, wouldn’t you take her inside or at the very least CLOSE THE DAMN GATE???

The answer to this is no, no you wouldn’t.

By the time I made my way up and down the block after my STUPID little white pitbull, not only were the two children outside, but the mother, father, and their baby had appeared to watch the big show that some sweaty, red-faced lady was putting on for FREE in the neighborhood!

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that someone would come out of their house just to watch me chase my STUPID dog. 

I still cannot, for the life of me, figure out why.  I mean, if you’re going to have some fun watching a neighbor in distress, at least have the common decency to do it from inside the house, safely behind your curtains.

I have two theories for this inexplicable behavior:

Theory One: They were hillpeople who had never seen a chubby frazzled stay at home mother chasing a dog before.

Theory Two:  They were city folk who had never before encountered a dog on the loose and were charmed by it.

Either way, they just stood there, slack jawed, on the lawn staring at me as if I was the sideshow at a circus.

The lady put her baby down on the ground as she watched me, mesmerized… Then when Sugar made her way by for approximately her 10th loop, she snatched her child up, scared to death, sure that Sugar was going to snap up the infant in her mighty jaws.

Listen lady, 

IF THE DOG IS SO DAMN SCARY THEN WHY DID YOU BRING YOUR BABY OUTSIDE WITHIN BITING RANGE AND SET IT DOWN ON THE GROUND???????????? JUST WHY???

There is only one possible answer for this: That lady didn’t like her baby very much.

You’ll be happy to know that I was able, eventually, to catch my STUPID dog, with the help of my super cool neighbors (thanks Javier and Heidi!).

Unfortunately for me, I can’t get the image of those dull, staring eyes out of my head. They will haunt me for a thousand eternities.  

You guys, am I being overly dramatic?  Okay, I am… But still, is that not the weirdest thing ever???

Well, that is my little story for this week… I do so hope you enjoyed!  I mean, at least I was able to spin that tale of humiliation into a yarn of pure comedy gold, right? Haha!

Have a wonderful week, and may the little white pitbulls of your life only have three legs so they are easier to catch.

Forgive me!

My darlings, I will not be posting a blog this week…

I have decided to take a week off for “summer vacation.” I’m sure you could all use a break from me!!! Haha!!! I’m sorry for leaving you hanging this week, but my little brain is getting mushy from the heat and being so unbelievably busy the past few months… I’m worried that if I don’t let it cool off for a week, smoke will start coming out my ears!!!

Anyway, thanks so much for reading my nonsense, and I have some really weird stuff all queued up for you for next week, so GET READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Love to you all, and may the vacations of your life take you, at the very least, out of your house (unlike some bloggers you know)!!!

It’s All About The Girls

Second open mic night status: Complete.

It was fun!!! I didn’t even bomb, so yahoooooo!!!

Prior to heading up to Billings I was a pretty cool cucumber.  I was thinking to my little self, “Ya know what, self? This isn’t so hard… It’s just a little open mic night and it is totally no big deal. I am not even a little bit nervous.”  I might as well have been wearing a black leather jacket with the collar up, smoking a cigarette, and leaning up against a motorcycle while rebelling against something for no reason, that’s how cool I was. 

Then we got to Bones Brewery early.  This gave me an amazing opportunity to stare at the stage while playing the many scenarios in which I could humiliate myself on a constant loop in my brain.  Oh brain, how many times will you betray me this way???

I sat there with my wonderful, supportive, and beautiful friends, getting so nervous I couldn’t feel my hands… Have I ever mentioned that when I get really nervous my hands get these weird zinging sensations and kind of go numb? Yeah, it’s a really great coping mechanism.  It helps me focus on the fact that I am freaking out so much that I can’t feel my hands anymore. It’s sort of a zen thing.

Thank God I was the third person onstage because if I had been on any later I might have needed a paper bag to breathe into.

I don’t really remember much of being onstage, much like the last open mic… I assume this is also a coping mechanism. Sort of like how amnesia protects your brain from information it can’t handle.  My lovely friends told me I did a good job, and even though they have to tell me that because they’re my lovely friends, I am choosing to believe it.

I feel like I had a better handle on things this time and my material was better. Also, my outfit was pretty awesome thanks to Gina’s sassy black shirt and some super strength spanx. I was absolutely determined not to use my notes and I caved and ended up looking at them…

Oh don’t look at me that way! I know! I know! I shouldn’t have done it, but I panicked and looked at them.  I’m like a note addict, and even when I don’t want to use I do it anyway because I just can’t help myself… I need a read of those sweet, sweet notes.  Ug.

Now I didn’t mean to keep you waiting… I mean, I’m sure you’re all in the throes of suspense just hoping I’ll talk about what song I walked out to for this open mic… When I left town I still had no idea what song I would choose, so Gina and I used a very precise and careful selection process to determine the perfect song.  And by that I of course mean we went through our iPods until something struck our fancy.  We landed on the song “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry.  I’m sorry Mom, I know you don’t approve, but it’s a catchy tune!!!

Do you think they had it? No they most certainly did not.  Okay, that’s fine.  I would have tried to pick a different one, but at that point I was too nervous to talk to anyone about anything.  Instead, I just comforted myself with the thought, “It doesn’t matter.  What matters is not accidentally passing gas.”

I spun the music roulette and would you care to know what song it landed on???

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper.

What the hell!?!  Another song about girls??? I WASN’T EVEN WEARING MY BIRKENSTOCKS!!! Listen, I know I am a girl, but really, that’s all we can come up with?!? Plus, how did they know I wanted to have fun??? I could have been there to tear some sh*t up for all they know.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much.  I mean, I did get the chance to go onstage and attempt to crack wise.  I’ve gotten to do it twice! My dream come true!  So, regardless of the fact that I apparently come across as some sort of powerhouse of girl-dom worthy only of gender-related music, I had a fabulous time at my second open mic.  I’m so damn lucky!

Oh, and here’s a picture of me!

I hope you have a wonderful week my friends, and may the roulettes of your life land exactly where they belong.