The Rules

Do you ever make up rules for your husband that he has no idea about? Rules that he must follow or face the ultimate penalty (which of course, is your annoyance)?

I had a sudden realization this morning that I have an entire list in my head of these rules, and my dear husband is totally clueless. The following is a short synopsis. I find it to be super logical and extremely reasonable, and I’m sure you’ll agree.

1. If you’re watching something painfully boring on tv and I come sit down with you, change the channel. Nobody wants to watch the History Channel’s reenactment of the Gettysburg blabbity bloo. NOBODY!!! Except you I guess.

2. If I make the coffee, I get to drink most of it… Also, if you make coffee will you pretty please let me drink most of it?

3. Do not just look at me when I make a hilarious joke. You laugh your ass off, buddy!!! I am giving you gold here!!!

4. Never, EVER, suggest that my witty comments are not a welcome addition to a movie we are watching… Or that it might be annoying… Again, it’s all gold, baby!

5. If I have purchased a special snack for myself, don’t touch it. I don’t care if that thing has been sitting in the cupboard for three years. The second you eat it, I am going to know about it and I am going to be super pissed.

6. On the weekends, you are in charge of the children in the morning so I can sleep… Seriously, those kids better not come anywhere near me until 9:00 am… I am up at 4:55 every morning to go to the gym, then I come home and get them ready for school. Weekends are Mama’s sleepy time!!!

7. You are in charge of every single mildly icky job in this house. Every. One.!!! I don’t want to see a giant slimy hairball from the shower drain (and how dare you suggest that it’s my hair so I should have to clean it up)… I don’t want to have anything to do with the vomit of the puppy I insisted on getting… Listen, I know I promised I would pick up her crap from the backyard and you would never ever have to worry about her when I weaseled my way into getting her, but now that she’s here I feel like I may have overstated my involvement in the icky jobs associated with a puppy… So… If you could handle that I would really appreciate it.

8. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, put your hand betwixt the rolls of chub on my stomach (yes, my body is that terrible). I realize you are trying to be affectionate, but really?!? There?!? Can’t you just pat me on the head or something???

9. Don’t continue reading the newspaper when I am launching into one of my tirades about whatever it is there is to tirade about… Whatever I’m complaining about is of the utmost importance and is never over dramatized, so it should be taken very seriously… Definitely not as if it’s so boring you can listen to it and read the paper at the same time.

10. When you say something super sweet to me and I can’t help but say something that I find to be amusing in response rather than the swoon you were hoping for, don’t get your feelings hurt… Babe, I love you! You complete me (see, I can be romantic too!)! It’s just that when you’re a comedian (in your own mind) such as myself, ya just can’t turn it off.

Now I know these “rules” may seem arbitrary… Possibly ridiculous… And maybe someday I should tell my husband about them… But don’t feel too sorry for him. The most horrible punishment he ever gets is pursed lips or an eye roll. Plus he has my undying love and affection, so that has to count for something.

My ears want to jump off my head!

Thanksgiving will be here in just a few days, so I feel like now is a great time to contemplate the important things in my life…

Like how I’m going to get through Thanksgiving break trapped in my house with both of my children.

Listen, I love them. I absolutely adore them! But they’re noisy. Soooooooo noisy!!! During the day when just my three year old is home, we keep it at around 107 decibels. When my eight year old comes home? Well, I’m not certain it’s possible to measure the amount of sound pumped from those two little sets of lungs combined. According to the chart I just Googled (yes, I did that), pain begins at 125 decibels… I consider that our baseline when the whole family is here.

My children scream just for the pure joy of screaming. I honestly think my life would be complete if I could feel, just for a few moments, the pure jubilation they experience when they are screaming their little guts out. The looks on their faces as they, for no discernible reason, make random noises (Mmmmmm-oooom!!! Mommy! Mmmmm-ama!!!, oh wait, that’s not random, that’s my name) at top volume, are as close to nirvana as one could ever hope to be.

When you add the two loudest dogs in the universe, the tv, and someone who feels the need to listen to an ipod with the speaker on, it is a mixture even earplugs can’t diminish.

Nobody ever tells you that the pitter patter of little feet is deafening.

I’m not gonna lie, there have been days when my ears are literally ringing by bedtime. Peaceful is not a term I would use to describe my household. However, in a weird way, I’m kind of looking forward to the chaos (even if my ears aren’t). I have an hour and a half to myself every week when both of my kids are in school at the same time, and it gets kinda boring after about ten minutes. I like my crazy noisy kids and my super dumb dogs.

So, though I honestly believe that my children are negatively affecting my auditory processing for the long term, I think Thanksgiving break may possibly be survivable. Or I could end up in the corner covering my ears and rocking like a mental patient.

Either way, I am taking the cost of my hearing aids out of my children’s inheritance.

5 Word Movie Reviews (Kid’s Movie Edition)

I’m going to review 5 movies available on instant streaming on Netflix in 5 words or less. I am forced to watch an obscene amount of children’s movies. At a certain point, each and every one of these movies becomes like fingernails on a chalkboard. I mean to save my fellow mothers and cinema lovers precious moments of their lives and brain cells. After my review, I will put an overall rating in parentheses on a scale from 1-5.

The rating system is as follows:

1. I would rather shove q-tips in my ears and glue my eyes shut than be forced to endure this for another second.
2. I can barely stand the glimpses of this I catch when I walk through the living room.
3. Uuuuuuug… I can probably stand sitting on the couch playing Bubble Shooter while this movie plays in the background. If I have to.
4. Eh, it’s alright… The first 40 times you watch it.
5. Bearable.

Gnomeo and Juliet: Property damage isn’t laughing matter. (3)
Astro Boy: Robot kid has horrible father. (1)
Tangled: Flynn Ryder = Nathan Fillion. (5)
Thumbelina: The 80’s hair is unforgivable. (2)
Moonbeam Bear and His Friends: More like “Boring Bear.” Heh. (1)

Alright, alright… I admit these aren’t complete sentences at all. But you get the idea. Seriously guys, never ever make the mistake of letting your kids watch a “1.” They will instantly fall in love with it and you will be forced to watch it approximately 51,000 times. And your kids will definitely not appreciate the snarky yet hilarious remarks you feel compelled to throw in every time you watch it, either.

A comedy podcast by an idiot and her brother.